Shame and Rejection

This process of giving things to God has brought up things that I did not know existed. I think that there is wisdom also in waiting for others to grow through experience to learn through them. This is something that has brought me such freedom that I want to share it!

When I was talking to Jesus I wrote down something into my diary that I want to share:

I have placed my trust in the living God, I will not be ashamed. Fill me with the pleasure of God

Little did I know that these words would mean so much.

While thinking about what needed to happen, I said in my heart "I'm going to die if I do not receive the provision I need" - for a backpack, and a power charger for my computer. That was what was arising out of my heart.

Shows that what was in my heart was an utter lie - stopping me from trusting Him, and taking back what I had given Him. The truth is this I am loved!

God knows what I need before I even ask Him. This is like saying, "You can totally trust in me, I have your best interests in mind"

It's okay, I'm also getting tender right now.

You mean, what he is wanting for me, is FREEDOM?

That I am going to be free from Shame? That arising out of my heart will be PEACE, and JOY, and love?

That is something that I am wanting more of!

One thing that I want to introduce is, What you Think of God. What arouse out of my heart, pre-dominantly was "Is this coming from God?" - in other words, I thought God capable of leading me astray, and bullying me.

This means I had a huge deficit in terms of what God could do for me. This will actually stop me from whole-heartedly trusting Him, when He says "I will provide"

I will make a chart of the difference between what God says, and what shame says.

Shame says, "I am unloved"
God says, "You are the one I love"

Shame says, "I will not be provided with what I need"
God says, "You will be able to minister out of the truth of my word"*

*There is a responsibility on our part to own up to the fact that God is responsible to provide, but that we will also do our part

Shame says, "Did God really say that?"
God says, "I am washing you in my word"

The reason that I could see through the disgusting lies was because it occured to me that my own problem was being brought up by God, and that there is a purpose for which He brings me through this. Funny part is, that when I came to the end of this striving and believing, I was at peace about it, because God had made me so content in His love, that I did not need to take my own from it.

In all this, I want to say, that I am crying out for understanding! asking God for the truth! I have much to hear and to know concerning my love in God.