On being afraid in myself and turning to God for guidance

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I have times when I am exasperated and full of fear, in these times, I cannot muster the courage to free me from fear.

It strikes me that I am dead, and this fear is what is crippling me on the inside.

But this is not the truth, when it comes to sin, I am no longer affected by it. Not that I do not go on sinning, or that my behavior is not sinful, but being Christ’s I am no longer of this world, I have been brought into the reign of grace. This is what Paul speaks of when He addresses the Romans, to sin no more. (Romans 6:1)

What truth this is! I am free! Free from the taunts of the enemy, the condemnations, the doubts, the disasters. They can all come upon me, God does not save me from them, but in this I have great assurance, that I can reign with Him.

I have been thinking lately about how our sin is a crippling effect on God’s own glory. This is what it says, doesn’t it? That we have fallen from the glory of God, in fact, we before Christ came and saved us, were under the wrath of God because of unrighteousness and ungodliness, because we suppress the truth of God, and worship a lie.

To this God announces a very clarion call, “By no means will you sin” When I am afraid, I am unable to do what God is asking, because I have put fear before my obedience to Him. This runs in contrary to our discipleship. If we continue to say no to the prompting of the Holy Spirit, we are saying yes to disobedience. Before I continue I want to make something clear. Sin and death are diametrically opposed to this new way of life that we live in God. It is because he loves us that he freed us for our good. Anyone who comes to God then is a believer of the truth, because the truth is what makes someone free.

I want to and choose to obey God, even the things that are hard and difficult, because I love Him. This is quite impossible to live if you have never known the awakening power of the Holy Spirit, to change your heart and enlighten your conscience. The very fact that you can love God and choose to follow Him, shows that you are on the right path. But we still have much sorrows to face before entering the Kingdom of God. It is in these times, that we need much courage, and tenacity, to take what has been given to us, through the Holy Spirit, and apply faith.

God says that faith is needed to believe that God exists and that he rewards us. I want to assure you that if you hold true to God in Christ, and do all that he wants, you will be loved by Him and you will come into His Kingdom. Take what you have been given as a deposit and ask for more, so that you can be mature in Him and know the graces of our Lord even more – He is just asking of you to take the same frame of mind towards Him and know that He is faithful, and so do it. Wage a war against sin, and the enemy, preach the gospel and know His healing touch. Know His love, these are all things that the Holy Spirit teaches you. It is all in Him to live the life that is Holy. In this confidence go and take the world for Him, for what you know of Him is true, because He has given you the Spirit of Truth.

Entering into the inheritance of Sonship

Today is a day of the heart today. I realized that we are as much in loving our neighbour and loving God. The two are not able to be separated. I will borrow a phrase my good friend Steve today, "The Lord Jesus is present to heal today" just as He walked around Jerusalem healing the sick, the same Jesus is doing the same things today.

It reminds me of a passage in Deuteronomy, in which no man will come before the Lord today, empty-handed. It was a reference to the feasts, pilgrim feasts that were celebrated in Jerusalem. It is Jubilee today!

For it is the heart that God is speaking to today, since we are members of one another, and we are members of the same body, in the body working together, we are glorifying God through our service. It is because God wants the body to work together, to make up the lack, and bring equality to all. I feel speaking out of my depth in sharing these things, not because I cannot, but because I am most of all reminded what He has spoken to my heart, today, That I am a Son, and I have an inheritance in Him. Today is a day that God's plans and purposes are being realized, it is a day when we witness to the goodness of God who gives liberally to all.

You are that spiritual gift, you are that letter of the heart - for God has chosen you to bear fruit, he has chosen and appointed you, that what is fruit may remain. This is because He Himself comes to us in the form of love, which no one can say "this is made this way" - He comes as Himself coming to us. It is the only form that you may behold and say "Holy Holy Holy" He wants us to be the hands and feet of God, just as He in a way communicates to us through the Elders.

Thou art worthy, O Lord,
to receive glory and honour and power:
for thou hast created all things,
and for thy pleasure they are and were created.

  Do not spare, do not say in your heart, "I cannot do God's will today" - for He has given you strength to do what He has commanded. Today is the day when the body is seen in the earth today. For in your loving your neighbour, you are loving yourself, you are that neighbour who has much work today for the Father. Discipleship towards the Son consists only in this, that you would love the Lord with all your heart and all your mind, and all your soul, and all your strength. For He has put out the opportunity for you yourself to say no to what the world holds valuable, and given glory to Him, through choosing Him, before you choose any other.

Be like me today who had nothing to offer Him, be like me today hearing a word that I will receive strength in me to plan and purpose what is God's will, and not turn away from it, because his plans and purposes for me are for my good. He has chosen you. I have to say, "do not turn away from it!" God is himself turning you to himself to obey Him at all costs. Your turning away has been healed, your backslidings, forgotten, He has entered into your heart today, so that you would choose Him, and hold fast to Him. In your giving, give your heart. It is near you, it is in your heart.

The same thing that happened to me today will happen to you as well, you will hear a voice behind you saying "This is the way, walk ye in it" bearing witness to what you are going through, and filling you with peace and good will in all areas. He will be your provider and security in all things, even to the end. He knows all about you, and what you are going through.

Hear in is the waiting that he provides. The wait to rest in Him, and cease from labouring, and to rest. This then is all that He is asking of you. Believe it in your heart and you will have it. If you have believed on Jesus for the forgiveness of your sins. Because your sin is opposed to God, but God has given you His son, nailed on a cross, as an understanding and a revelation of God's purposes towards you. He Himself did all that was needed for all this to happen, believe on Him and you will have it all because He will live inside of you.

From the darkness into the light

Hello Everyone

I remember when I came into hospital, God really impressed upon me, that to make this not happen again, I ought to listen to what others are saying, because it is because I did not listen to others that these things have happened, even having times when I was convinced I should not speak at all, and having nervous laughing and unable to put sentences together. For this reason, I have often reminded myself of what is happening, so that I can make steady improvements.

One step has been to be in regular contact with those that know me the best, and have concern for my life. Thank you for being a part of my life, and this needed support for me. I now know more people than I did when I started, including people that I have met in hospital and who are doctors, students or nurses. I have been able to have a speedy recovery thanks to the people that I have opened up to. It has made my transition a lot more healthy, having trusted in others for my well being.

I have learnt that God also thinks the same way – a catchphrase I have often repeated! It is because I am doing this for God – I am in hospital for God. Now that I am out of hospital I am also aware of what needs to happen and what I find is important. He has shown me that obedience is the most important thing that I can treasure while in this life. He makes everything work out, and has done.

 
It’s for this reason that I want to share what has been happening in my life with you recently.

I was able to goto Oxford with James and Josh for the snowboarder's graduation. The thing that I appreciated most about it all was being there, that's right! I was there! and I think I appreciated it just for this reason.

I have been reading the diary of David Brainerd. Out of all the books that I have sat down to read, this one (atleast for the present) is exciting me the most. In it he speaks of not finding God in the anguish of his own soul, finding the depravity of himself, yet not believing it, which is the whole key that unlocks. In Romans 10:9-12 it says “faith comes by hearing the word, and hearing by the word of God” so we know that Christ has given us faith to believe. It is unlocking distresses in me, distresses in my circumstances. For I am anguished in my circumstances, knowing that God has brought me to hospital chiefly for me to work out this death. This death in disicipleship. This is the greatest news for me, since I am and have constantly brought myself to wanting more and more of God. I have been shown that I need not resist it, but receive this new news with goodness and thankfulness. There is no good in me. What I mean is, as long as I am being brought to die, Christ makes me alive.

I am somehow warmed, that my exercises in God, which I have been concerned with, such as bible reading, and prayer, are being used of God, to the glory of God. I am not as one who has forgotten where the road is going, but I am able to look at my circumstances through eyes of faith, nothing is impossible to Him who believes, and he makes all my circumstances to work out for good. Another way of saying this is, God’s law is in my heart. I could not do what God has done, by the covenant he established with me. What is true is this, God is working in my heart the sweet succour of obedience to me (Psalm 19:10) how wonderful that His word and work fit together. What he is doing in my bears true to the word that He has spoken. He has fitted it all together to make me obedient to Him – fully! When I disobeyed His law, I could not fulfil His law. But His light in my heart, makes it possible for me to live in the reality of what the law was demanding of me. This means no longer living in the expectation of doing anything – while His word works, I am unable to do anything – Just like Jesus. (John 5:19)

 
The reason that I want to share this with you, is to let you know the much needed wrestles of my heart concerning my mental illness. I want you to know that I am in a better place than I was a few months ago, in fact, God is my witness! This will work out perfectly to the glory of God.

Please pray for me:
That I would find the plan that God has for me
That I would be able to share from my heart to the people who I love the most
That I would be able to be a good witness sharing from my heart
That I would love obedience

Possible next steps

God answers prayer!
Today I found out why the call it good news! it is because it's a straight from the halls of heaven to earth today! that's why they do not call it good teaching or good history

I am, so to speak, laying out a fleece.

I know the importance of sharing all with my friends, and supporters, and family, as to what the next steps are in my rehabilitation. This is why I find the first step, telling you how things are going, to be the most important.

While I have been in hospital, my motivation for doing things has somewhat deteriorated, before hand I had no problem being motivated to goto Israel, and the things that are attached to that.

That is why I am making the first step living by faith.

The only thing I can think of which comes to living like this, has been in my constant travelling around this country, relying on God to provide for my stay. I am excited to see that it is being taken up again.

That said, I have come to the realization that this is not the sole first point to be thinking about. What I have need to think about is the extraordinary calling God has placed on my life to prepare the way for the coming Kingdom of Jesus

This is somewhat inspired in the fact I am growing in this area. There is a scripture in Titus which says to the effect that I will grow as I share what I have with others. So that's what I'm doing here!

Struggles in Hospital

Hello everyone,

I will be moving into a flat on the 5th of November, this will be a big change for me, after being in Hospital for close to 3 months! I believe that it will be a big change that I am glad for, seeing I have made it my goal in life to bear as much fruit as possible - inside of me, in Himself and in you, this is a catchphrase for me at the moment, John 15:16

"You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and [that] your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.

to bear fruit.

I want to share with you some of the struggles I am facing recently, that I believe God is working through.

Sometimes I find that I do not have much desire to spend time with Father, but then I remember it's like keeping up a relationship. I will enjoy the company time if I open up my heart to Him.

My greatest struggle is with hearing God's voice. When I came to hospital, they started asking me questions related to hearing God's voice. But I have a different struggle. It's like when I goto pray I do not hear from Him.

This has happened in kind because there is a kind of suffering related to being tempted and overcome, but I want you to know, I have not been overcome. But I find that God's ways are above mine, and so I wait patiently. Spiritual gifts in this way, seem to go unused, and I am perplexed by the reality, that is I want to hear from Him, but the desire is not there.

I remember that sometimes God remains silent for us, we do not want Him to. As far as I struggle, I also am encountered and challenged by my own thinking, and It has to come, because I am being changed a little at a time, to change my thinking habits. In this time, God's presence and His voice are what I rely on.

This is evident because when I come to talking to others, God confirms His word for me. I know His support in my situation. He is taking up all the things of my situation in His hands. As long as I am in this place, I will be at peace while my circumstance changes. God makes me feel like I can leap over all my perplexities in superior fashion! "He is the one who strengthens me", "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me", "I am more than a conqueror" through Him who loved us.

He is working out all things for good. I had feared that I had changed and lost the ability (Spiritual gifts), that I have changed and will not come back to where I was - knowing that the very thing I ask for will be accomplished. This puts me in a frame of mind that he only is the one who strengthens me.

It is like the verse in Isaiah 54, "lengthen the tent pegs" for the way in which He reassures me is by His Spirit. As long as I talk like this, I am overcoming, and that is enough, He is my peace and rest. The reason I can endure all the things I have is simple, it is because of God's righteousness - He gives me grace to do all things. A part of me thinks, "God will not take up these things that are pressing upon me" but He does, even when I do not come to Him. This makes me reminded of the fact that I want to come and visit Him, it is in my heart - that I love Him. God will work out all righteousness - He will be the strength of my life

As I write, I realize that God is the righteousness of my life, and my recovery has already started. This is what I wake up for in the morning.

 In talking like this, I make it obvious I am in hospital for God. In writing this letter I am stepping out of insecurity into freedom.

Something as simple as responding to an email can become all that is required of me. (Lara! and all the others who have responded to my email)

In fact, while in hospital it has been one of the things that I have been known for - since looking after me has been so delightful. I have a family that love me.

This is the delight of God, I delight in God's glory.

It makes me think of the future from here, in the bible it communicates it like this - Stepping into the fullness of maturity (Eph 3:18.19)

My God is my rock, he is the firm foundation, in entrusting myself to Him, it is out of my hands, and I've learned that this experience can happen to everyone - and this is my reason for seeking help - I am  as capable of making mess ups as anyone else.

I want to inform you so that you can pray for me better. Thank you for being a part of my life and loving me.