I will worship

I came out of time with God, feeling that I was somehow missing something, and that God had engineered it for me to seek and ask Him what was going on.

I've taken up a day of fasting, which is getting mixed reactions (mostly from inside of me) what am I doing this for? And yet, also wanting to be refined and purified further by God.

I sat down to play the piano with the song "Refiner's Fire" on my heart, specifically "Purify my heart, let me be as gold, and precious silver" But when I went to try echo what I was saying, I could not. My heart, refused to it.

I am wanting to say these things, to let you know the struggles and pressures that I am facing, living whole-hearted for God. Some of the things I struggle with are "do I really feel comfortable with God in my weakness" - with also knowing that God is comfortable with my weakness, why do I need to assure myself? But also, more probing, that I find the idea of dying so repulsive to me. The idea that I have to die to receive life in God is something that I just don't understand - honestly. But I want to. I want to have all these things - I want to be able to abandon myself completely to Him. I want to love Him and live for Him, secure in giving my whole heart to Him

In this I wanted to write what was happening in my heart in a song, and so I sat down to write. But this was when the things that I have just been sharing started cropping up.

It's not that I don't see those struggles and pressures that I am facing anymore, but I have to understand, that God is completely selfish in His own glory. Let me make sense of this. My heart wants to be abandoned.

Those things that people have said, and I have thought, fall to the ground, because when I suffer for God, I die.

God is wanting me to worship Him, NOW. (John 4:23) What I am longing for, and finding, is NOW what I have in God. What was suffering for me before, (my seeking, and my longing, and my struggling) is what God is to me, NOW. Like in Christ, in that he became our SIN, he is now the vehicle for God's ultimate kindness and consolation. What was death and dung to me before is like the fragrance of summer. He says "Come to Me!" (Isaiah 55:1,2) He says for the wicked "Forsake Your thoughts!"

Here are the lyrics to the song that I've written. Now you know where they are coming from

I Will Worship

I am struggling in the now but not yet
in the weakness knowing you have done it
my heart, why can you not do the things you want?
and why do I ask for what I do not yet have?

You are the rain coming down on me
I am going to watch
You break the sorrow, turn it to joy
I am burning in my heart

I will give up everything to make you great
my soul delights in praising Your name
my heart grabs a hold of Your river of life
I want to worship, all of my life