Reflection on Financial Support, Forgiveness, and Being Ministers of Reconciliation

To be frank, this title is too short, and this encompasses alot more than the title. Help me to find a new title.

I find that my attempt at making sense of my life has only caused me anxiety, and a sense that I'm unstuck. For those that believe in God, the prize is Himself. He is the reward. I remember being at Oxford and being so struck by forgiveness, by the certainty that I had fellowship with Him (which, at the time, i did not understand, though I had to tell someone about it) that I did share, and honestly, it was just my enthusiasm. I still think that God spoke to me, and that He wanted me to share it, even if I didn't know what I was sharing.

I am in Polytech now, and there are lots of demands on my time, on my future and on my relationships with others. I actually find that I'm not capable of sharing with others what is going on for me, this is, ironically, because God is speaking to me. And I'm endeavouring to be able to for the first time to share it with others. I am not in a state where I do not know, I do know, and yet it is because I know, that I am refraining. Let me explain, i am not talking about getting a job, or travelling, or visiting friends, or things that I do. I'm saying that I'm moved in my heart. This is the why behind my refraining.

Some could say that I have lived this way for ever (it seems like forever, since I did my DTS at YWAM) I mean, I'm not ashamed of God, and I know that my friends know that I love Him. Some people are guilty of stepping too far in God, by simply saying, "Whatever it is he asks me I will do" without reflecting on it, that God is not interested in just machines, but in our heart. No one can encounter God and not be changed. I am struggling at this time to be like Jesus, and practice what I preach. No one can encounter God and not be changed, since the one that has encountered Him, wants to give Him everything.

This is what enables God to give me dignity and value in seasons of unrest, and perplexity. It is because my hope is in Him, and that my belief in Him is stemming from His love for me. This is why I am sick of the pressure related to this course that I'm doing! not sick of the work, the every day, the mundane, the purpose that is being worked out in me. no. But the illusion that if I perform I will succeed. Performance driven is awefully subjective, since what is performance to one person, may be a dream for another person. That means that when God says "come follow me" he intends to dash our hopes of performance, and offer us His heart. This means that it is right for me to reflect on the anxiety and what has caused me to be unstuck, so that I should hold onto Him.

I think personally this is done by reflecting on the past. it is to know the journey that I'm on - to be happy and accept what has happened. Upon reflection today, I realised that at the heart of it is Him, since without Him in this, without the joy that embraces my heart, without His beauty and glory being conveyed to me, without my constant desire to encounter Him, that would indeed come unstuck. I could not be where I am without Him.

Let me attempt to address the three things that I set out to address.

1) Financial Support

I have a history with financial support, as I have gloried in. I think in some ways the desire of the Jews, to bless God and give, that can be a motive to give of itself. It's because unlike the idols, God gives. He is the abundant giver. I have reflected that a person ought to give because of this. It should not be enough just to wait on God and expect provision. let me explain that. It is because in our mind we decide that such a thing is a resistance to faith. to believe for the increase, to put hope in the abundance of God. It is a touchy subject, because I know people that expect God to provide, and He does. All I'm saying is, you dont give credit enough. The purpose of God in financial giving is to bless and give. This ought to be the basis for our continual enjoyment of giving as is needed. The testimony is that you have the expectation of God's abundance to come and provide. That means that you already have one over someone that lives entirely by their own means. Entirely by their own merit. In that sense, "righteousness is rewarded" but we know that righteousness is by faith. If one man hears, let Him give, if he is not under compulsion, let Him bless. Righteousness that comes by faith doesn't seek to glory in the giver. it is in the glory of the one who gives. This is why God has blessed, will bless and forever more shall be blessed.

2) Forgiveness

I think we all need forgiveness. this is why He forgave. Our satisfaction of Him comes from the determination and power of Him to forgive sin and debt. Our dependence on Him is as one that has a continual debt. You will never out give God, nor can indeed can you. He is the one that provides, blesses, instructs and endows. He is the one made to sanctify, the one to justify, the one to glorify. He is One and One Lord (I just found out about that this week) In fact, if sin is a debt, then we are all debtors. Debtors not to sin. But debtors to grace. We are all under the same charge, and all under the same sentence. I will explain it like this: If you can never out give God, then you ought also to be the respondent in this relationship. if you will never out give God, then our freedom comes from his gift. I am learning about this God. I am learning about this one who "sets apart for Himself him who is godly, He will answer me when I call" not to have the same favor, indeed of His face, is to also be like the harlot that goes away without sin erased. I don't know much about sexual sin, but I understand that it is a debt that does not go away. You are sold under it, so that you will sin against your own body. It somehow has to do with generations. We are all descended from the same man, and we all are terrible. There is none good, and none that does righteously. Being able to say that you have freedom now, that is worth more than all the worlds riches, since it has all been accrued by evil gain and means. Indeed, that means that belonging to God is the root cause of all our ills.

3) Being Ministers of Reconciliation

Having made us ministers, we extend what He has given to us to others. In 2 Corinthians it says that this ministry is "to be reconciled" this means "to have been offered a pardon, so that one can enter into relationship with the one that offers" It is true that I don't think on this enough, especially every day, as far as my circumstance ought to say is most important. To be washed, to be encouraged, to be strengthened, to be wholly capable of finishing the task. I ought to say "this is my ministry" - own it as one that enters into the insistence that I will concede this is the most important thing, and that I will also do it. I do not know the lengths that my Abba will go to bring this to pass. I really don't. Upon reflection of sexual sin, I realised that God is with me in it. that is remarkable. How has he been here before? it teaches me that I have a God that is beyond intensity. that He is the definition of love.

I hope in all this I have communicated my heart, for at this time, I feel like the last thing that I want is to press on. But press on I must, if I am to be bound to Him. My heart is as one that is bound to Him, and His joy and glory to be realised. that is why the motivation to be bonded is indeed beauty.

Continue to gaze on beauty.

How does He lead me?

This is prompted by some things that have happened today, during some time in the prayer room. Firstly, I would like to make it quite clear, that the leadership that I'm talking about is heart leadership. I do not make decisions any more unless my heart is in it. This is quite a journey!

The idea to give your heart to someone doesn't just happen one day, but this is the thing that must happen. When it comes to God, he is the only one that can make this happen. He has to start the whole thing. I have to admit, that this is something that I myself am journeying on. But there is a day, when, Him coming, He will marry you, you have to prepare yourself for that.

There's nothing more important in a marriage than the day that you get married. In jewish culture this day happens first. It is God's prerogative to start loving You. What does He say to me? What does He say to everyone? Your weakness and your sincerity ravish His heart. That is right, when He looks at you, He says "in your weakness I see your love, your sincerity ravishes my heart"

But, like this one, you probably find the idea quite impossible right now. I can remember the whole affair as if it was yesterday. While in my little room in the hyatt, while thinking about spiritual warfare, grabbing scriptures and what not, I heard a voice say "I have something better than grabbing scriptures, You are married to me, Ask for the seal of divine love" at this I ran into the boys room and said "You all will have to get married to Jesus, because this is the most important army that you will ever be a part of"

While on the way to home, I would say "seal my heart with divine love" and it would fill my heart up. Though I had made a commitment to allowing God to pursue me with His love, and burn on the inside, there was more that needed to be done. When I came to church on Sunday, God gave me a scripture from Esther, it was Uncle Mordecai adopting esther as His daughter. Burning in my heart, I stood up and prayed this scripture. Then I understood that I needed to enter into daughter's school. My heart is yours, O God.

This is because I believe that many are not ready for God's unbridled affections for us, He wants us to hop across this ditch and commit, like Esther, to be brought before the King. If this is speaking to your heart, then pray to God "I know that you are speaking to me, I will commit to your pursuing of me" Wait for Him to confirm it

Come my Beloved Come my Beloved Come

Here is a song that I have written today.
It really is such a simple song but very flourishing at the moment, here are the lyrics and the download

Here is the rapidshare link

Lyrics

Cause the grape vines to grow

Cause the olives to bloom

You will awaken the dawn

You will make my righteousness shine

Enter in, all you peoples

Enter in, to the marriage supper of the Lamb

The bride is ready, we have become one

Come my Beloved Come, my Beloved Come

O would you rend the heavens and come down

We are waiting for you, the lamps are burning, clearly

You have won my heart

You have won my heart, I am waiting for

Putting my Lamp in the Window

There is a token that the bride-in-waiting in Jewish marriage custom does to show the world that she has been wedded to the Bridegroom, and waiting His return. This is simply putting a lamp in the window of her house, until He comes for her - the lamp never goes out.

I am wanting to make a public declaration. To any and all who are being pursued by God's jealous affections, set apart yourself to Him. It is better to do this now, rather than later. Put your life on hold for this, He will not relent. I want to tell the world, I'm waiting for my Bridegroom, Jesus Christ, the Son of God. If you do not believe me, then watch me. The world needs to know that I, Nathan Sinclair, am already married, more than this, I am married. My thoughts, desires and affections both this day and forever will be tied with that day when He comes for me!

This really is so much more than I can put down on paper. To make this clear, If you do not encounter the truth, that I am already married, you have yet to experience what I hold dearest on the inside. There is so much the world is doing wrong, this is the biggest thing, that they do not believe there is such a thing as being so tied up in marriage that it strikes them - maybe even wrecks them. Can you imagine what I am trying to describe here? You can think about marriage but I am 100% convinced and in reality the one whom Jesus loves

YWAM Update: Do you Believe in Miracles?

Hello everyone,

This comes to you from Christchurch, while I am visiting my parents house. I rather like that term, because the idea of visiting means it is not my permanent residence, but that is a kind of a paradox, I will tell you what I mean.

I had a strong feeling that I was supposed to be in Oxford for the week, I remember being sick in my stomach while getting prepared to go back to Oxford on the 6th of May, but it wasn't dissuading me from fetching a ride with Deb out to Oxford (she had been in Christchurch visiting family - so fetching a ride with her was easy enough) But I had looked in my bank account and found no money there, but I knew I was supposed to be there. While sitting down at the morning tea table with Elmer we had a conversation in which God had meant for it to happen because not having any money to my name I was able to encourage Elmer to be here - because I knew I was also supposed to be here.
Actually by that time I still had a sick stomach, and thought to myself, "How can I be here for working? when I am unable to even sit down without feeling sick" However I was made well to work, but also to attend the lectures, which had been on my heart to do.

Later the week the opportunity came up to really share what was on my heart, that my identity does not come from what i do. NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER! Isn't that the heart beat of Sons? In fact, though I did not know Elmer very well, I was really able to converse with Him, and find out a bit about him. This had been my prayer to God earlier in the week - In fact, every day God was making my contemplation bear fruit. So it would seem, that God had something in store for me, being at Oxford related to the teaching I was listening to. It was pertinant to what I was going through.
This should be enough to convince any sceptic of what God has in fact been doing, but I have not even begun yet!

I ought to say, this is the heart beat of a little child. because God has said it before, that the thing that He values in me is being a little child. I need to hear it from God first, then when people testify about it to me, the feelings rush right in.

I guess this makes me have to declare a few things

1. I do not have any money, this is one of the blessings of being God's child (which I am one)
2. I do not know where I am going, I came to Christchurch only because I had to move out.
3. I want to be connected with God's heart, this is more important to me than my fragile circumstances
4. I will flourish in this place, because God makes me to flourish

I want to clarify the first and second points. I mean, that I am in the place that God has for me, regardless of any plans to be contrary to that. I know that He wants me to be there. This is the only reason that I am here - because what matters most is that I am most about what God has for me. What i mean is, Do not forbid me of my boast!

God has not stopped with me because I have turned my back on Him, or even forgotten what He had promised to me, before I left Oxford, which is that I am going back to Christchurch because I am His bride. He is committed to doing me good, even when I am not. That has to be the best news ever!
I'm a little child, I cannot be thinking about plans and decisions and anything like that!

After I left Oxford, God has been bringing things into clarity, namely what is on my heart for victory and faithfulness and trials. I had to go through a trial not having answers for "where am I going?" and "what work are you looking for?"

That is why I say, being at my parents house is a paradox, because the truth is, I will flourish wherever I am. I need to say, that I still intend to go on a journey with Steve, because God has said it.
Don't you see the miracle God has done? That he has called the things that are not, as though they were. He told me the very thing that tonight I would have an ah ha moment on, that I am His Bride whom He loves. This has only matured my love for Him and convinced me that what He has for me is good (which I know to be true!) And it's assured me of His promise that I will be going with Steve on a journey. Be a part of this adventure with me!

Baptism of Anointing

I want to express my commitment to God which was made this day, last year, outside at YWAM Oxford, approximately 9:45 pm, having a Baptism of Anointing symbolizing my desire to give myself wholly to Him.

3 1L bottles of Olive Oil were tipped over my head, from top to bottom. To this day, the clothes I wore still reek of olive oil (I tried to get the smell out)

This post is also a response to what God has asked me to do this morning, "Remember this day" and a commitment to publish what has happened a year this day ago for another year. It will finish on the 2nd of May 2013 (according to the Jewish calendar)

By God's grace, empower me to make this known for a whole year without missing a day.

Amen

Dreaming and taking Risks

I'm celebrating being able to share that, wanting to goto Israel, I have now been to Israel! It's something to be able to say that 2 weeks prior to leaving I began to receive finances to go and then left on the 30th to leave for Israel, where I've never been before!

The one thing that has been occuring over and over during this whole process is dreaming. I cannot give dreams to others, but dreams happen when you have hope.

Welcome to the world of John part 2

Truth is a funny word these days, I have a hard time digesting the truth. The phrases "truly, truth or true" are mentioned 50 times in the Gospel of John; NKJV version (this doesn't even mention the phrase "most assuredly" which can mean "Truly, Truly" that phrase is mentioned 25 times)

The work of the Spirit in regeneration allows us to do what no one else can. When Jesus is closing up his discussion with His disciples He says, "I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear [them] now" His answer is "I will send the Holy Spirit" I am not able to share at this moment what this means, I have written it in a poem.

Welcome to the world of John part 1

The scripture that I want to lay as a foundation here comes from Isaiah, so lets turn to Chapter 5.

"Now let me sing to my Well-beloved A song of my Beloved regarding His vineyard: My Well-beloved has a vineyard
On a very fruitful hill. He dug it up and cleared out its stones, And planted it with the choicest vine. He built a tower in its midst, And also made a winepress in it; So He expected it to bring forth good grapes, But it brought forth wild grapes."

The phrase "Well-beloved" comes from the Hebrew word yĕdiyd which means "one who is beloved, lovely, pleasant, amiable" the first time it is used in the bible is used of the context Benjamin being beloved of the LORD (Deut 33:12)

Being Anointed of the Lord

I would like to continue the story and let you know what God has done this last week.

On Monday, the 2nd of May, 2011, I, Nathan Sinclair have become wedded to Jesus. The ceremony begun at roughly 9:45pm where after a short reason for what I was doing, I was anointed with 3 litres of olive oil as a symbolic declaration of my love for Him and being betrothed to Him. These are the reasons:
1. I am entering into a year of being perfumed with fragrances. This is a commitment which will last until the 1st of May 2012 at which end, according to the scripture, I will have an audience with the King.
2. God is hotly pursuing me with desire and jealousy
3. He has done everything and His love is better than life
4. God delights in obedience, the past 3 or so weeks, He has put me out of my comfort zone to follow Him and he rewards me for my obedience. I can't go on at all without the enabling of the Holy Spirit. Everything I have is his. What a wonderful God, who counts obedience as being better than time, or money!
5. As a sign of extravagance I bought 3 bottles of olive oil from the Supermarket to pour out over my whole body, top of my head to the soles of my feet! And why not do it now? This is not something that can wait! I love Him!

the eyes of God

"Let no one say when he is tempted, 'I am tempted by God'; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone." (James 1:13 NKJV)

I have long wanted to share something on this subject. So i'm so excited to finally have something to say! The topic puts me on edge however that's the fear of the Lord. I feel like i'm a child in this subject however.