Reflection on Financial Support, Forgiveness, and Being Ministers of Reconciliation

To be frank, this title is too short, and this encompasses alot more than the title. Help me to find a new title.

I find that my attempt at making sense of my life has only caused me anxiety, and a sense that I'm unstuck. For those that believe in God, the prize is Himself. He is the reward. I remember being at Oxford and being so struck by forgiveness, by the certainty that I had fellowship with Him (which, at the time, i did not understand, though I had to tell someone about it) that I did share, and honestly, it was just my enthusiasm. I still think that God spoke to me, and that He wanted me to share it, even if I didn't know what I was sharing.

I am in Polytech now, and there are lots of demands on my time, on my future and on my relationships with others. I actually find that I'm not capable of sharing with others what is going on for me, this is, ironically, because God is speaking to me. And I'm endeavouring to be able to for the first time to share it with others. I am not in a state where I do not know, I do know, and yet it is because I know, that I am refraining. Let me explain, i am not talking about getting a job, or travelling, or visiting friends, or things that I do. I'm saying that I'm moved in my heart. This is the why behind my refraining.

Some could say that I have lived this way for ever (it seems like forever, since I did my DTS at YWAM) I mean, I'm not ashamed of God, and I know that my friends know that I love Him. Some people are guilty of stepping too far in God, by simply saying, "Whatever it is he asks me I will do" without reflecting on it, that God is not interested in just machines, but in our heart. No one can encounter God and not be changed. I am struggling at this time to be like Jesus, and practice what I preach. No one can encounter God and not be changed, since the one that has encountered Him, wants to give Him everything.

This is what enables God to give me dignity and value in seasons of unrest, and perplexity. It is because my hope is in Him, and that my belief in Him is stemming from His love for me. This is why I am sick of the pressure related to this course that I'm doing! not sick of the work, the every day, the mundane, the purpose that is being worked out in me. no. But the illusion that if I perform I will succeed. Performance driven is awefully subjective, since what is performance to one person, may be a dream for another person. That means that when God says "come follow me" he intends to dash our hopes of performance, and offer us His heart. This means that it is right for me to reflect on the anxiety and what has caused me to be unstuck, so that I should hold onto Him.

I think personally this is done by reflecting on the past. it is to know the journey that I'm on - to be happy and accept what has happened. Upon reflection today, I realised that at the heart of it is Him, since without Him in this, without the joy that embraces my heart, without His beauty and glory being conveyed to me, without my constant desire to encounter Him, that would indeed come unstuck. I could not be where I am without Him.

Let me attempt to address the three things that I set out to address.

1) Financial Support

I have a history with financial support, as I have gloried in. I think in some ways the desire of the Jews, to bless God and give, that can be a motive to give of itself. It's because unlike the idols, God gives. He is the abundant giver. I have reflected that a person ought to give because of this. It should not be enough just to wait on God and expect provision. let me explain that. It is because in our mind we decide that such a thing is a resistance to faith. to believe for the increase, to put hope in the abundance of God. It is a touchy subject, because I know people that expect God to provide, and He does. All I'm saying is, you dont give credit enough. The purpose of God in financial giving is to bless and give. This ought to be the basis for our continual enjoyment of giving as is needed. The testimony is that you have the expectation of God's abundance to come and provide. That means that you already have one over someone that lives entirely by their own means. Entirely by their own merit. In that sense, "righteousness is rewarded" but we know that righteousness is by faith. If one man hears, let Him give, if he is not under compulsion, let Him bless. Righteousness that comes by faith doesn't seek to glory in the giver. it is in the glory of the one who gives. This is why God has blessed, will bless and forever more shall be blessed.

2) Forgiveness

I think we all need forgiveness. this is why He forgave. Our satisfaction of Him comes from the determination and power of Him to forgive sin and debt. Our dependence on Him is as one that has a continual debt. You will never out give God, nor can indeed can you. He is the one that provides, blesses, instructs and endows. He is the one made to sanctify, the one to justify, the one to glorify. He is One and One Lord (I just found out about that this week) In fact, if sin is a debt, then we are all debtors. Debtors not to sin. But debtors to grace. We are all under the same charge, and all under the same sentence. I will explain it like this: If you can never out give God, then you ought also to be the respondent in this relationship. if you will never out give God, then our freedom comes from his gift. I am learning about this God. I am learning about this one who "sets apart for Himself him who is godly, He will answer me when I call" not to have the same favor, indeed of His face, is to also be like the harlot that goes away without sin erased. I don't know much about sexual sin, but I understand that it is a debt that does not go away. You are sold under it, so that you will sin against your own body. It somehow has to do with generations. We are all descended from the same man, and we all are terrible. There is none good, and none that does righteously. Being able to say that you have freedom now, that is worth more than all the worlds riches, since it has all been accrued by evil gain and means. Indeed, that means that belonging to God is the root cause of all our ills.

3) Being Ministers of Reconciliation

Having made us ministers, we extend what He has given to us to others. In 2 Corinthians it says that this ministry is "to be reconciled" this means "to have been offered a pardon, so that one can enter into relationship with the one that offers" It is true that I don't think on this enough, especially every day, as far as my circumstance ought to say is most important. To be washed, to be encouraged, to be strengthened, to be wholly capable of finishing the task. I ought to say "this is my ministry" - own it as one that enters into the insistence that I will concede this is the most important thing, and that I will also do it. I do not know the lengths that my Abba will go to bring this to pass. I really don't. Upon reflection of sexual sin, I realised that God is with me in it. that is remarkable. How has he been here before? it teaches me that I have a God that is beyond intensity. that He is the definition of love.

I hope in all this I have communicated my heart, for at this time, I feel like the last thing that I want is to press on. But press on I must, if I am to be bound to Him. My heart is as one that is bound to Him, and His joy and glory to be realised. that is why the motivation to be bonded is indeed beauty.

Continue to gaze on beauty.

Brokenness and Leadership

I came to the airport, because while worshipping this morning, I had been stopped! and fear fell on me, to listen! All of a sudden, this picture of Memorial Ave and Graham's Rd came into view. I knew it to be a bus route. "I will catch a bus to the airport" I said

I just want to let you know, the travels today, of my journey with Father and Son

I do know that they do not lead me amiss.

This just comes vividly clear as I think about it now

I came to the airport and thought about what I should do, and met my friend Steve, sitting just inside the doorway. I shared the story of receiving a picture, and coming here, believing it to be from Him

This is why, I can currently recall the events, without getting emotional

I was a little afraid as I sat down in the arrivals lounge, thinking about this one thing, being in Israel. God and I had a conversation together about what it would take to get on board an aeroplane, when I realized "If they have a ticket booked for me, it ought to be on the systems" so I decided to head on over to Emirates, where I handed my passport to them, made a search for today, and tomorrow, and found out that there was no booking for me on this passport.

It was a bit harder than the way that I put it, because I hadn't made a booking, I didn't have a travel agent, and I didn't have someone else, that booked the flight for me. I was going off God and His booking me on a flight

I went back to sit down in the arrival lounge, (a place I came back to alot) and thought about what had happened, and then made the connection between what God had showed me and my now present circumstance. I saw a courtroom scene, with Jesus as King, preciding over the plaintaints

declaring "No one who says this will not happen will stand" - that He was bringing justice to this purpose

God's word, his authority, and his ability will stand, everything he does, no one knows, who knows what He is about to do?

Here stood in parallel to this scene what I now had facing before me - simply to walk up to the counter, say

"I have a booking with God by prayer
I know about authority and that His booking would be on your system if He had made a booking
I know that he opens doors that no one can shut"

So I did not

I recognise that I'm not ready - in two ways, my love, and conviction of His authority.

God do what you are doing, I am walking with you

There is going to be a wedding

Thinking about the gesture that God will do because He loves me, to show His love to me, at first humbles me, But then I think about the fact that it's totally unearned. It must be that the JOY of the Bride, is only met on her wedding day.

This comes from thinking about how much money must be paid to get to Jerusalem. If i'm honest, it puts me through the same feelings that I think of Jesus, because how am I to know exactly the love that He has shown to me, the blood that He was spilled for me? Am I not in this continual debt? Does this not put me through the feelings once again of what love He has shown to me? It is just money, but in the way that God does, he is putting it into my mind, and in my heart.

There's not so much I can say! This love is whole-hearted, it demands all of me, wrestles my affections away from temporary pleasures, and keeps fear in my heart towards other lovers. It is righteous Love, that removes everything that hinders love for the sake of love. It is jealous Love, bearing the name of God, remains, when the controversy has ended, and the last enemies dealt with. Abandon's my heart to service, knowing that there is a reward, and that to miss out on what He has for me, would be terrifying. This is a love that takes all other options away, promises all that He has to offer, filled by confidence energized by the Spirit.

waits, sustains, refreshes, he has become everything 

He has shown me another analogy of how we are to see life.

The Bride, being escorted through the wilderness

With Her Bridegroom

Why does He wrestle with our hearts in the wilderness? Why does he take from us the names of the Baals in the wilderness? Is it not because our hearts are unfaithful to Him? Isn't it because He is jealous for all of us? the wilderness is not the point of it!

Wilderness is never the point of it!

That would be like the Israelite people, being slain with thirst.

He has shown us the way through - Himself is the only one who has been through! The only one victorious

I'm poking now, but I have to, because people are saying, "Why don't you just stay here for a season?"

We have a Bridegroom who is jealous for us, because He loves us. To be concerned with anyone else is just not reality, and it is not biblical either (if anyone was thinking that way)

What is now the outcome and point of wilderness is Himself. When I find Him, I have found everything! When I get to Jerusalem I get everything!

What connection am I making here?

I have no other plans, only to be with Jesus. He spoke this because my own wilderness is very testing, and very trying. if I were to focus on the temporary, and the things that are before me - financial obligations, schools coming and going out, my own friendships! even! I would loose my heart, and I would be distressed, and without peace. This is exactly what happens. It's not an IF, but a consequence of being human. It's because He made us to be totally His. It is because He is God.

I understand! Hallelujah! Come marry me in Jerusalem, Jesus!

The wedding is something else! beyond comparison! It is where He is leading you!

Being chosen for a People Group

There are two things that are being repeated over me today.

The first is "be a little child" - this is the easy part

The second is a thing Art Katz said. "The place he will call you is the place that He has pre-eminently chosen for You"

It was a phrase used when describing the leading of the Holy Spirit, in Acts 16:6-10

Now when they had gone throughout Phrygia and the region of Galatia, and were forbidden of the Holy Ghost to preach the word in Asia, After they were come to Mysia, they assayed to go into Bithynia: but the Spirit suffered them not. And they passing by Mysia came down to Troas. And a vision appeared to Paul in the night; There stood a man of Macedonia, and prayed him, saying, Come over into Macedonia, and help us. And after he had seen the vision, immediately we endeavoured to go into Macedonia, assuredly gathering that the Lord had called us for to preach the gospel unto them.

It has been a bit of a "yes, no" season for me, with Gods leading.

I do not mean God changed His mind! Ask my leaders at YWAM

It has literally been, a yes, yes, yes, NO door, where I have been leaping through doors and saying "this is where I'm going" to find it abruptly shut.

I am trembling as I write this, of the implications of today.

In a way, my ability to write this out, has been cut short, too. And sometimes you do not need to have the words all together sometimes.

What is on my heart is in connection with this "harvest out" by which the Holy Spirit gloriously leads. I kind of feel honoured, to be spoken to with such instructions, by the Holy Spirit himself. But there is something that I have to say: Do not look at me! What is happening is far bigger than myself!

Look in me being chosen for a people group. The enormity of that statement, and the glorious wisdom by which God is making this happen.

I will try to be succint when I say this.

It has to do with LOVE. When I am looking back 10 years from now, it will not be the things that I have done - but because of God's heart - for my people. What I mean is, showing up at a soup kitchen, and told "put on an apron and start serving" - or being asked to lead the youth program. Knowing in that moment, "I am here, and I'm doing this for one man, and He is worth it"

The crazy thing is, NO ONE go, unless you are chosen for a people group. Where did this choosing come from? If you have read the last few entries, I will be succint, It is because He said "I am pursuing YOU with my love" - I want your love. It is because, His purpose, is THE purpose. All I want is to be able to say to others the great things that God is doing IN ME, and that is exactly WHAT IS happening. My joy, is actually connected with the reality, that I am the Bride, and that my JOY being that others are hearing about that, in whatever way, is actually reminding me of my relationship with Him.

The question that is on everyone's mouth "When are you going?" is made irrelevant, not because it is not important, but the day is set already, August 2nd!

It's made irrelevant, because You just got to look inside me and hear my heart to know that He will do what He has promised. Is it really so hard to believe that God knows the journey that I'm on? that He knows the future? is that impossible for Him? I do not even have choices anymore, I have the heart of Jesus.  And He is the one fuelling me to be in Jerusalem for my wedding.

I want to be succint with the last part, that God the Father is incarnating me into a people group, he is birthing me into a people group, and this is two-fold: That it is a complete immersion, no longer alive. That it is instantaneous, it will happen, just like that

This is like it says in Psalm 2, where it says "Ask of me, and I will give the nations to you" - it is referring to Jesus, but there is a flooding that is happening in the church right now, Sons walking in their inheritance

The part that is hard to say, and which has left unsaid is the most important part. But I have no words for this part. See Him as the glue which holds everything together. My JOY is only fulfilled on the day that He marries me.

While I was lead along today, I bought a pair of boardshorts! Go Jesus! in fact, I got them on special, for under half price! He was using the experience to show me that I am being stretched out of my comfort zone, I do not even know what they are used for! How do you use them!

Declaration of Safe Passage

I am believing in God for a miracle.

This has an air of comfort to it, knowing that I am totally reliant on Him to do it.

I am needing to be in Jerusalem by the 2nd of August, for my own wedding. This has an air of humour to it. "Why would I need to find my own way to my own wedding?"

It is also to visit my friends, the Around the World School, in graduating from Jerusalem.

This wedding, is not my own idea, but I know also, on the 30th of April, 2011, God pursued me with His love, where I made a commitment to Him in this area, then He gave me a scripture from Esther, where she is adopted by Mordecai, the interpretation came from my own lips (this is a good place to hear from Him) - To be anointed and consecrated for a year of beauty treatments. I have been waiting a long time, but I also know Him to be waiting as well.

God provided a sign just this week.

That I would not be going to Jerusalem unless my friend Steve received a sign from the Lord

How can I not be waiting upon Him, I am the daughter, and I am the betrothed, it is right that I would be putting my lamp out letting the world know that I wait, for Him

On Saturday he confirmed his own word, by His own word, in a newspaper headline. "Jerusalem out of reach of Crusade"

To think, that God would "announce this from the rooftops!' and "speaking the same word as came out of my mouth"

I can only say, that God loves me so much, that I do not need to fuss about the details anymore.

In terms of visiting my friends, It cannot be the main reason, because I've already missed that. All I can say is, there awaits another purpose for me in Jerusalem, that I do not know.

It just so happens, that in more than one place,

Scripture testifies to a kind of love from God that is totally himself and obtains through sheer voluntary will, the love that He desires.

 Listen, O daughter,
Consider and incline your ear;
Forget your own people also,
and your father's house;
So the King will greatly desire your beauty;
Because He [is] your Lord, worship Him. (Psalm 45:10,11)



You shall be called by a new name,
Which the mouth of the LORD will name.  (Is 62:2)


How could I live for anyone else? How could I love any other? and this love is totally voluntary. Do I need to say "God I am coming to be with You?"

This makes everything right, that I would choose Himself, before He has me completely.

What mystery is this, that what I am asking of Him, it comes off my lips, and is in his heart?

Open My Eyes to See

It went from here (my head) to my heart to my body - I cannot keep it inside - the dream which is Jerusalem.

I think this has to be the way that we live. What do you say to a people who are "whole-hearted"?
to dream is what we were made for, so the way to live is asking God "how do you see me?" - He is not just wanting, the mind, the heart but all of us.

It has been wonderfully demonstrated in the life of David, who God exclaims "I will give the sure mercies of David" - to a descendant of David that will bring an everlasting covenant with


How is it that you can commit atrocities like murder and lying and get away with it?

How is it that you can be called the man after God's own heart when you achieve Satan's will?

Because what exists in David's heart is something special. Something that God himself wants. It says that "I have provided for myself a King among Jesse's Sons"

I find it very amusing, that one of David's chief delights (according to scripture) is to build God a temple - to build God a house. to build God a dwelling place in Jerusalem. It is like his compass has been gravitated to the city that bears God's name.

Psalm 78:68 But chose the tribe of Judah, Mount Zion which He loved.
Psalm 2:6 "Yet I have set My King On My holy hill of Zion."

Here we have two agreeing councils, where God has chosen before time to make Jerusalem His city of dwelling.

People will say "but He did not dwell there until David's day, and 5 centuries later, the dynasty failed" - Is it not for an eternal legacy?

Read this verse in 1 Samuel 17 and consider

17:54 And David took the head of the Philistine and brought it to Jerusalem, but he put his armor in his tent.

In this shepherd boys heart was a desire to make Jerusalem the chief city when He had barely been known by the tribes of Israel. It stood in defiance then, in a way, it stands in defiance now.

It is because inside of me exists the passion for the glory of God - which is far more than my JOY for people, or my love for people.

What is in me that I should be called the dwelling place of God?

The desire to live like David, whole-hearted is nothing less than connecting with God's heart, and then being mobilized in the generation that you are in.

The harvest is plentiful, the workers few, therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to SEND OUT labourers into the harvest field. What harvest? NATIONS!

A harvest of peoples, nations, tongues and tribes!

You cannot do that sitting down. You cannot gather into your heart what is only outside your doorstep. This call is one to give everything and consider it RUBBISH except to go for Him! that makes your OBEDIENCE, something of eternal implication. If you do not hear this, You are going to shrivel up.

I just made a precedent. It's because Jesus is putting the thrust back to you, and your heart. We tell Him we will go everywhere, But when He tells us he has given EVERYTHING we are callous and indifferent, not knowing what He is asking. Is this the only call? by no means! But a trumpet sure sounds like one from any angle that you hear it.

A call to abandon your heart looks nothing like anything else than that! But there is RESPONDING to be done. When the nations heard that God is the world-ruler they acted very foolishly, with their IDOLS, I wonder if this is the same response that threatens us today (Isaiah 41:6,7)

This is where my FREEDOM comes from, it is choosing the call to which He has called me.

To be confident in the face of fear, you cannot look back the other way, You have to be utterly sold out for the cause, God is the flame that allows us to do this (Isaiah 42:1-7) You ask, "What is before me?" only what He has been saying all along, "I am going before You, to pave the way for You, so that you can reap a harvest" This has everything to do with the REWARD. without a reward, no one will go. this is the motivation behind His phrase "What does it PROFIT you?" - emphasis on the YOU as well. When they were called, that was it, nothing stopping, they went with Him. He sure makes it difficult sometimes, but He never leads me astray. I know where I'm going and it's Jerusalem. Because He loves me! Because my work is there! because my reward is there! I am crucified with Christ

I will end with this. David was a shepherd boy, they did not even know his name (1 Samuel 15:28; 13:14)

He was not chosen because of his leadership, singing ability, handling of the sword, favour with people, or even His heart. If they were anything of the outward appearance, it says "I have rejected Him" - for the Lord does not see as man sees.

The only thing that He was chosen for was this, God liked that He came to Him.

It was a recognition that God would exclaim later "I will give you the sure mercies of David" - that I will not take away. faithful kindness and tenderness.

I am that man, that God has raised up! I do not want the accolades, the prestige, the rewards! I want to Love Him more!

And nothing is going to stop God from raising me up because I am totally after His heart

Shame and Rejection

This process of giving things to God has brought up things that I did not know existed. I think that there is wisdom also in waiting for others to grow through experience to learn through them. This is something that has brought me such freedom that I want to share it!

When I was talking to Jesus I wrote down something into my diary that I want to share:

I have placed my trust in the living God, I will not be ashamed. Fill me with the pleasure of God

Little did I know that these words would mean so much.

While thinking about what needed to happen, I said in my heart "I'm going to die if I do not receive the provision I need" - for a backpack, and a power charger for my computer. That was what was arising out of my heart.

Shows that what was in my heart was an utter lie - stopping me from trusting Him, and taking back what I had given Him. The truth is this I am loved!

God knows what I need before I even ask Him. This is like saying, "You can totally trust in me, I have your best interests in mind"

It's okay, I'm also getting tender right now.

You mean, what he is wanting for me, is FREEDOM?

That I am going to be free from Shame? That arising out of my heart will be PEACE, and JOY, and love?

That is something that I am wanting more of!

One thing that I want to introduce is, What you Think of God. What arouse out of my heart, pre-dominantly was "Is this coming from God?" - in other words, I thought God capable of leading me astray, and bullying me.

This means I had a huge deficit in terms of what God could do for me. This will actually stop me from whole-heartedly trusting Him, when He says "I will provide"

I will make a chart of the difference between what God says, and what shame says.

Shame says, "I am unloved"
God says, "You are the one I love"

Shame says, "I will not be provided with what I need"
God says, "You will be able to minister out of the truth of my word"*

*There is a responsibility on our part to own up to the fact that God is responsible to provide, but that we will also do our part

Shame says, "Did God really say that?"
God says, "I am washing you in my word"

The reason that I could see through the disgusting lies was because it occured to me that my own problem was being brought up by God, and that there is a purpose for which He brings me through this. Funny part is, that when I came to the end of this striving and believing, I was at peace about it, because God had made me so content in His love, that I did not need to take my own from it.

In all this, I want to say, that I am crying out for understanding! asking God for the truth! I have much to hear and to know concerning my love in God.

from Hiddenness to Apocalypse

I want to immortalize this in time, so that you know what it is that comes from my heart first. This is a diary entry from yesterday's journal

My heart is burning at the moment. I have given Him my heart. This is my freedom, and this is my rest. I cannot loose. If you reveal any more of your love - I will explode in flames! This is love. He made you to be abandoned to Jesus Christ! Who is he? I will not be refused! Come oil me up like a kerosene lighter

I am pre-empting what is about to take place, to let you know that by the end of the weekend I will be in Israel

God's word never fails!

I was lying in bed, unable to move, because of a contracted flu, when my body relaxed because of this one phrase

To be denied would be like being uninvited to your own wedding

and like Intercession was not my very heart

What is God's word for me?

He loves me, and he wants to marry me!

This is my testimony, God's word never fails! I do not want provision, I do not want to travel! All that I am wanting is to say God's word never fails!

This is what happened when I asked "Lord, what is your will? how are you leading? guiding me?"

And he gave me a scripture!

Psalm 126:6

I have been wrestling with "Does God's word fail?"

He broke my flu

and then I went to sleep

God does nothing for you because you do things for Him. The only reason is because you are His favourite! He likes that you want to love Him!

I'm saying this, because today He has honoured me, and that's the whole point. I am not doing it because I want to have a position, but because I want to love Him.


When you intercede, you are achieving God's purposes on earth, because you partner with His heart, the whole point is that you are connected with his heart, it happens, because you are allowing God to achieve what He is wanting on the earth. It is His purpose!

The word Apocalypse means "unveiling" or "revelation"

God did it all

One thing that remains Love

When it's all said and done
there is only one that my heart is answerable to
Let my heart hear your voice!
And respond when you call out to me!

On the heels of travelling, I realized something that I want to discuss because it is worth it.

Consider that people call trips when you are going for a holiday, a "personal trip" or a "sabbatical" away from ministry.

People have been asked to do many things on outreach, things they have not wanted to do. People have gone out with a team, and are going to a plan set out for them. People have ridden on the work of others, and planted seeds, and made impact.

People have had to wrestle with unity, and the ultimate question.

What am I going for?

It was then that I had to make a definitive answer. "I am going for Jesus, he has to be absolutely everything"

We are on the heels of a generation that are crying out for intimacy. They are crying out for the God who is ravished by their heart, and they do not even know it.

I have to make it clear, the countries that I am going to I have never been to before, I do not even know what I am doing.

But in the words of a Misty Edwards song

I am lovesick for my Beloved
Only YOU can satisfy

This is the generation of Jacob
the generation who seek your face
and Only YOU can satisfy

Maybe all he is asking of me to share is the REST and satisfaction that I have found in Jesus, and to testify to it

Though I could say many other things, I want my wisdom to speak for me.

The ultimacy of rest

But I will dwell in your courts all my life
like a green olive tree, I will trust in the Lord forever
For this is my desire that will not be taken away
until I have found You here
There is a God in Heaven
I looked for the truth
and I found You

I will be sharing from my own experience today.

There are things that I can share with you,

Which are easy to understand

But there are things that I cannot share with you,

Which I can only speak to you

In such times, I find that the progression usually goes like this

"Their words" then "them" then "Him" then it is simply "you" in rest, and freedom.

His purposes are ultimate in rest.

Consider Psalm 52, where the man replies with his ultimate, being God and His sure safekeeping in His own presence, His own arms. Who would trade these things?

So when I am speaking these things to you, they will have the most meaning to you.

Does it fill you with joy that he makes His most delightful past-time "But I"?

The ministry of the body and the work of the devil

What is it that the body needs? according to James without the Spirit the body is dead. I am deeply loved by the body. And have all that I want, because we do not wrestle with flesh and blood.

While at church this weekend, I was confronted and asked questions about friendliness and the importance of conducting conversations. It has been taken into my heart. This ministry is what the body is needing, when someone, sensitive to the body, comes and brings an agreeing word.

However there are those that do not have the Spirit. The more and more that I am being led by God, I understand that I am not looking for purpose, but I am looking for the purpose. The purpose of the Spirit, coming through and enabling us, because without the Spirit we are dead.

Then the devil comes in, and tries to infiltrate, and frustrate what God has done. Is it possible that those who love Jesus the most also end up resisting His own purposes? I will just throw that in there.

Woe to the man that devises his own plans
who takes sides, playing favourites
Who says, "Who hears"
and "Who sees"
Will you not be snufffed out
and your contempt be seen,
and be ashamed
For I will mock you to scorn
and they who see what happens will know that God has done it
on the day that His Bride rises up to inherit His love

Take heed of this! God has done something. Any counterfeit would be glaringly different from the original, but if it is done subtly and feigned then it makes it a little more attractive.

In all this, I want to say, that it will happen that both come at the same time, one after the other, and have eyes to see it! ears to hear it!

For we wrestle not with flesh and blood

Giving up my rights

Today, has been a miracle of God proportions.

While sharing with my friends at church, one thing that came up, how would Steve and I get visas for America? To understand, I had been thinking about this question on Friday, before I met with Steve, and in passing He shared how he had said to God "Why don't you call people as you did - when they left their livelihood, family and life to follow Him" Perhaps there was something in this?

But I couldn't just impose that on him - both of us needed to be in agreement. That was when an idea came to mind. I could propose "that Steve would receive a sign, and that I will not be going to Jerusalem unless He receives one" Oh man! that solves all of our problems!

Let us take a moment to show how this all fits together.

I cannot assume that Steve is going to receive a sign, in Isaiah 7 we find the story of God, giving a sign to the King, so that He might have reason to believe. This then fits for him, because it is to be agreed, I am not in control of this

I win, because my freedom is not based on what others will say, but only that I have Him.

God wins, because in making this all about Him, He will get the glory for it all. As long as it happens at the appointed time, I am asking God "what are you saying?" I have heard from Him. This is my JOY.

Whether I am going or not (I cannot make this happen) the outcome is, I gain Him.

There is just one thing

A few days ago, God was my best mate, delivering me, and getting all the glory for it. I could not save myself.

But then it wasn't that I failed, but I slowly forgot. It was like the flame was going out.

But today, much superior, much better, and much more permanent, I have found the flame exploding within me, it was because I went through the fire, and His love became bolder. He ruined me so that I would make it utterly about Him.

This really is the real stuff, where I am sealed with His love, His love remains. So does mine.

It is far superior to be connected with God, all the way through the trial, and come out loving Him more, because you will never again ask the question "Why is the flame going out?"

It is because I'm searching, and not understanding, and in need of much love. You need to look further than the surface from now on when I say "the flame is getting stronger" You ask the question, but God saves you, and you are saved, and he delivers you and you are delivered. What are you talking about?

This provokes to no end does it?

There is an end to your strivings and to your searchings. He found me out in the wilderness - When He allured me by His love.

What is mature wine?

This age is going to end with a wedding (Isaiah 25:6; Revelation 19:1-11)

The question that I have on my heart right now, is "what is mature wine?"

It is love that gives all because Christ has given us His all. It is love that in thought, word, and deed is given out of an attitude "Take the world, but give me Jesus" if we loose our belongings, houses, forbid, even families, the trade is worth it.


I'm currently trying to make sense of all of this. I have recently come to understand better God's ways concerning me.

What a funny place to find myself in, where I am able to clearly look out over the expanse of God. One way of saying it is, "I know the eternal purpose of God"

It's from this place that everything else is rubbish.

Suppose I entertained what might be said against an ultimate reality like this. Then I would probably try to be doing something right now. But the fact is, I can do nothing.

I am the clay, you are the Potter. He broke me, and I am restored. But He doesn't just see me as a vessel that He will put on his shelf.

My Creator, created me to be the vessel of His glory, which He made to show the many-faceted wisdom of Himself.

He created me to marry Him, this was in His heart before creation. My praise is all that He is after, because He loves me.

My heart was made for Him, He protects me from everything, and He is my ultimate reality - that I cannot escape from. Even Jesus, when He was suffering, learned obedience by the things that He suffered. I am like someone that delights in the pain and travail, thinking of the JOY that follows.

O, You have made everything utterly about Yourself!

One Thing Have I Desired,
That Will I Seek
That I may Dwell all my days
in the courts of the Lord
that I may behold the beauty of the Lord
and inquire In His Temple

Open My eyes to See the Way you Do, Behind the Veil

What is the most Important?

I find myself asking deep questions of late. This is one of them, but I cannot take the credit for it. I came up to spend time with Father and was asking Him "what are you giving me this day? this important day?" God of the Universe, creator of the Heavens and earth.

"Be like a little child"

It says, that "Praise will come out of the mouths of babes" (Ps 8:1)

A child praises when they see something worthy of praise. A child joins in singing because it is right to.

But of this, I can little share. When I am in the Kitchen, it is my devotion to Jesus that keeps me there, without His voice, without His presence, you could say everything comes unglued. It's not enough to call yourself a little child, but in every situation you will be seen one.

Even on this, little can I share. Maybe the answer is not just in calling myself a little child, but recognizing, I am a little child. That is where my identity comes from. Little children, need to hear from their Father, they need to be loved, they need to be fascinated, captivated, they need to be the center of attention, they need to know trust, they need to have their diapers changed, they need to be responsible.

I see a generation of adults behaving like little children, I see a generation of people that are waking up in the morning with one question on their hearts, I see a generation that confound the wisdom of the day, I see a generation free of chains, demonstrating kindness, power and love. I see a generation young and old, being taught, and most of all. I see a generation not tied up in the future, in the plans for tomorrow, but living in today, because that is where we are right now. I see a generation that loose their sense of dependance to any system, and breathe in expectation because there is so much more that can be achieved. That say to God, "Hurry up already! I am here and I have won!" I see a generation giving themselves whole-heartedly to worthless pursuits in the eyes of the world because their labor is not in vain, nor their strength in vain, God is my just reward. Did you not know that we have proved by our wisdom that we are not little children? And that there is a chilling voice in the gospels "We were like children in a market place, saying 'we played the flute for you, you did not dance, we played the dirge over you, you did not lament'"

Because they did not hear it. it went idly by in the generation of eating, drinking and being given in marriage. they did not hear it.

Who said that I was after my own popularity? do children worry about such things?
Who said that I was a lone stranger, doing only what I want? Do I not need my Father?
God's word is full of paradox. Without the center on God, everything will come unstrung. I do not want to compromise on the tension which exists in my heart.

I may be cut short here, but I feel like God is saying "proclaim this from the rooftops" Can one do this alone? Can I do this in my own strength? It's not just a good thing, I feel it is a declarative commandment. There is a fear in the heart of God. It is because He has unlimited power. There are only two people in this world, God's pawns, and God's sons (I mean not to be sexist, I mean that God has an inheritance for us - sons)

There is weight in the fact God says "I want you to be like a child" It is also something I can not take the credit for, nor do I say "Wait for it!" feel the tension in my heart when I say this. I was broken, I was disillusioned, crushed down, and His answer is "be like a little child"

Save me, O Lord!

"Save me, O Lord, for Your servant who trusts in You
Let me not be put to shame"

These are the only remaining words of what I can remember waking up to this morning - which I imagine to be what God is teaching me right now.

A few weeks ago God saved me dramatically from a slew of things - of which he has added to today.

While I say this, I want you to know, I am not grateful for the fact I am saved! I could not stop talking about it, how God, in his greatness, delivered me! For it was from myself, my enemy, and my God that God came through. You ask, why? Well, it's because He alone sees my heart! He alone loves me! The clouds unfurled their billowing darkness, but it has turned out for light for me!

God is the one who saves, not I! That means, nothing will seperate me from this love! The one thing that people are scared of asking "Why, O Lord" is the reason for my great deliverance! In fact, He repeatedly brings me back to this! Why? Why?

I am feeble, my thoughts are enough to put me in prison. If I am lost it takes little to be lost, forever. My own heart does not know what to say. It felt like my bones and my frame were on fire, and that when I came to, I still had not been delivered.

So who would have known, but that God during the time of sleep, went and did battle against them, and I woke up, a new man! My strength is liked a wild ox, my arm can bend a bow of bronze, I scoff at my enemy who has been vanquished forever.

Let me add a little guidance to this, If you are thinking "But why would He do that for You, and not for me?"

He is the greatest, He himself gets the greatest praise, Worship is the highest response to what He does. I have postured myself in my heart, to wait for His salvation and when He saves, I am filled with joy. No one will be saying to me "why is your face downcast?" in that day

The added dimension in this is this: If He could save me any time, in fact, if my weakness is so attractive to Him, why does He not come through for me? And you ask a very profound question. Selah

Reminder of the things that are Important

In recognition of the Father's hand on my life

I am repeating the distinction that I am living my life by

To love Jesus with a whole heart and to go anywhere He asks me to

This takes precidence over everything else in my life

This is why He loves me

Quietness of Rest

Continuing on the theme of rest.

When I came out of the lunch hall, I had a brain wave related to the way I treat others. Anxiety is not my portion, if I do not have something to say to someone, it's okay.

I have to ask the question, "what kind of anxiety it must have been for David"

Let us go to him and glean from His life.

It says, these famous verses in Chapter 16 of 1 Samuel

So it was, when they came, that he looked at Eliab and said, "Surely the LORD's anointed [is] before Him!" But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For [the LORD does] not [see] as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
So Jesse called Abinadab,
and made him pass before Samuel.
And he said, "Neither has the LORD chosen this one."
Then Jesse made Shammah pass by.
And he said, "Neither has the LORD chosen this one."
Thus Jesse made seven of his sons pass before Samuel.
And Samuel said to Jesse, "The LORD has not chosen these."
And Samuel said to Jesse, "Are all the young men here?"
Then he said, "There remains yet the youngest, and there he is, keeping the sheep."
And Samuel said to Jesse, "Send and bring him. For we will not sit down till he comes here."
So he sent and brought him in.
Now he [was] ruddy, with bright eyes, and good-looking.
And the LORD said, "Arise, anoint him; for this [is] the one!"
Then Samuel took the horn of oil and anointed him in the midst of his brothers; and the Spirit of the LORD came upon David from that day forward. So Samuel arose and went to Ramah.

You are the one that I want, Ye, you are the one!

I have been travelling with the Lord, in being taught, and listening to others, because it is a matter of my heart, that my way is made of peace. Listen!

There is a verse in Isaiah that the Lord quickened to me today

"For you shall go out with joy,
And be led out with peace;
The mountains and the hills
Shall break forth into singing before you,
And all the trees of the field shall clap [their] hands.
Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,
And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;
And it shall be to the LORD for a name,
For an everlasting sign [that] shall not be cut off."

It relates to the captivity of Zion returning, but it also means that there is triumph had in walking in the straight paths of the Lord.

I was observing something quite amazing today, I remembered that in the time that I have now been at Oxford, 4 families/individuals, have had to move on, and YWAM has taken care of them. Here in I saw a pattern of God's heart, that he cares for us.

And that I am on a pilgrimage, a pilgrimage of His heart. In other words, "I am totally abandoned and let loose in the freedom of your love. You complete me!"

In fact, the point of the arrow in this is, God provides. And He rewards us! My prediction is that in the next few days He will provide to get my friend and I to Israel. Because there it is that I marry Him.

My enemy would try to rob me of my JOY, but we have WON. He anoints my heart into worship


He is the Father, where my parents have not been able to take care of me, He restores my heart's praise and worship.

I can be so confident, for in the multitude of councillors there is safety. I can even praise God when things are not going the way that I imagined, because He is my rock and my safety! Surely He will never let my foot slip. I will not be moved

I challenge you to live without any assurance in the circumstances that you are facing, and I dare you to have half the excitement that I have in my heart. This is evidence of God. We walk by faith - my prayer is Hebrews 11:1 would be your testimony in life

This is where the desire to become fully whole-hearted arises from!

The Beauties of Rest

I wanted to do a post on the ruining power of God, but today has been a day of remembering.

I do not know if this happens to be the seventh day, the day of rest, but I also remember that later it is called "Today"

What I am wanting to communicate more than anything else, in teaching and being taught, is REST. in the 63rd chapter of Isaiah is a verse that I will come back to

14 As a beast goes down into the valley,
[And] the Spirit of the LORD causes him to rest,
So You lead Your people,
To make Yourself a glorious name. 

LISTEN TO ME, he says after His action of removing iniquity of His people (a wonderful and amazing work in it's own right)

This is in the chapter 48 of Isaiah:

"For My name's sake I will defer My anger, And [for] My praise I will restrain it from you, So that I do not cut you off. Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For My own sake, for My own sake, I will do [it]; For how should [My name] be profaned? And I will not give My glory to another. Listen to Me, O Jacob, And Israel, My called: I [am] He, I [am] the First, I [am] also the Last." (Isaiah 48:9-12 NKJV)

Listen to others, to hear what God is saying. This came from my heart after realizing I sub-consciously would not rely on others, but which God has restored. This really is a heart thing. I want to share this with people because I trust them to love them and allow them into my heart.




This kind of REST, is wholeness, it is more than just a freedom of thought, or even of your body, but it is God's commanding REST that exists in the heart. His desire is that we would have REST.

This REST is himself. In Psalm 27:1-4 we find that our desires war against our own sincerity to be totally His.

[A Psalm] of David.
The LORD [is] my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD [is] the strength of my life;
Of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked came against me
To eat up my flesh, My enemies and foes,
They stumbled and fell.
Though an army may encamp against me,
My heart shall not fear;
Though war may rise against me,
In this I [will be] confident.
One [thing] I have desired of the LORD,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the LORD,
And to inquire in His temple.

He Himself liberates us from our desire and we find peace.

Without God choosing us first, we run amock. It is God himself electing us for His own love that means restraints are left to the wayside, and we have what we ask for.

When He spoke to His disciples about this very thing we are talking about, Jesus finished with saying

 "You did not choose Me,
but I chose you and appointed you
that you should go and bear fruit,
and [that] your fruit should remain,
that whatever you ask the Father
in My name He may give you."(John 15:16)

While at church today, I found out the overpowering God finalizing REST that is better than strength. It happens to all be linked in the heart. I cannot do what I do without others. You see, I had this I will say, tendency to get angry and not to rely on others. I came to my friend Steve with all guns blazing, by the end of the conversation, I decided to change tack, and simply listen to what God had been speaking over me. LISTEN, show compassion, and mercy.

I needed to talk to my pastor, because God has been leading my friend and I to travel. The outcome of this conversation was total REST. no more striving on my part, in fact, all the things that were in a muddle became clear, and I knew what I must do. What I want to do.

God will, of course, make all the things happen. he will do everything. And he is everything.

I will reiterate it a THIRD time. LISTEN! This is love, and this is trust.
I will finish with these verses from Ephesians, where we exhort you to love one another by asking God, "how do you see this person? how do you feel about this person?"

For this reason I bow my knees
to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,
that He would grant you,
according to the riches of His glory,
to be strengthened with might
through His Spirit in the inner man,
that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith;
that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
may be able to comprehend with all the saints
what [is] the width and length and depth and height--
to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge;
that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

God repays!

I was like, should I be writing this right now? Then I looked in my inbox and there was an email from Fujifilm, saying "WE REPAY!" in fact it has the title "FUJIFILM LOVES YOU BACK!"

I think God is speaking to me through this title.

Would you know that there is a connection between Zeal, Works, and Truth.

Here are a few scriptures:

Numbers 25:11 "Phinehas the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, has turned back My wrath from the children of Israel, because he was zealous with My zeal among them, so that I did not consume the children of Israel in My zeal"

John 2:17 "Then His disciples remembered that it was written, "Zeal for Your house has eaten Me up."

Even as I write this, I remember, that another word for Zeal, is Jealousy. These words are practically interchangeable when it comes to God.

Zeal is (according to google)

Definition: Great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or an objective: "his zeal for privatization"
Synonyms: ardour - ardor - fervor - fervour - enthusiasm

So if someone is zealous for God's truth, rather than being misguided, they will be guided by the principles that have been laid down. In other places in scripture, God simply says "My zeal will do this!"

Now, jealousy is
definition: The state or feeling of being jealous.
Synonyms: envy - heartburning - jaundice

Why does God's jealousy get referred to as zeal? that is what I aim to show.

It is because God rewards. How is this?

When I look at the examples of God's zeal in the bible, I understand quite quickly, how can I be compared to the Almighty in Zeal. Even David, inspired writes:

My zeal has consumed me, Because my enemies have forgotten Your words.

What this really means is "my zeal has killed me" because people have unjustly provoked God.
Maybe that's the point. Maybe what he's saying, is "How can I be compared with the Almighty?"

In the first verses that I quoted, it is a section in which Phinehas grabs a spear and puts an end to (literally) the objectives of opposing nations and to the plague that was unleashed from God's presence.

God is quoted as saying "I will give you an eternal priesthood because of your Zeal, which was my Zeal, you were zealous" Pondering this verse I realized, one of God's names is "Jealous Jealousy"
There are two points to glean from this. God says "You are righteous in your works, and I am going to repay you by giving you a priesthood that will not fail" the other thing is it says "Eternal" - He gives to us eternal life.

I feel somehow humbled at this, because of the mightyness and zeal of my King. Maybe what He is saying is literal, that we are to be wrapped up in God the Father, because His zeal is terrifying, and His jealousy, all-penetrating. It is because of Idols and Immorality (Numbers 25) and Merchandise (John 2) that these things simply "broke out" I remember somewhere, that it says God will not be provoked by Idols.

And that His zeal is very much safety. Let us be totally consumed and afraid of God. He comes to judge, He comes to repay, and He comes to give life.