Reflection on Financial Support, Forgiveness, and Being Ministers of Reconciliation

To be frank, this title is too short, and this encompasses alot more than the title. Help me to find a new title.

I find that my attempt at making sense of my life has only caused me anxiety, and a sense that I'm unstuck. For those that believe in God, the prize is Himself. He is the reward. I remember being at Oxford and being so struck by forgiveness, by the certainty that I had fellowship with Him (which, at the time, i did not understand, though I had to tell someone about it) that I did share, and honestly, it was just my enthusiasm. I still think that God spoke to me, and that He wanted me to share it, even if I didn't know what I was sharing.

I am in Polytech now, and there are lots of demands on my time, on my future and on my relationships with others. I actually find that I'm not capable of sharing with others what is going on for me, this is, ironically, because God is speaking to me. And I'm endeavouring to be able to for the first time to share it with others. I am not in a state where I do not know, I do know, and yet it is because I know, that I am refraining. Let me explain, i am not talking about getting a job, or travelling, or visiting friends, or things that I do. I'm saying that I'm moved in my heart. This is the why behind my refraining.

Some could say that I have lived this way for ever (it seems like forever, since I did my DTS at YWAM) I mean, I'm not ashamed of God, and I know that my friends know that I love Him. Some people are guilty of stepping too far in God, by simply saying, "Whatever it is he asks me I will do" without reflecting on it, that God is not interested in just machines, but in our heart. No one can encounter God and not be changed. I am struggling at this time to be like Jesus, and practice what I preach. No one can encounter God and not be changed, since the one that has encountered Him, wants to give Him everything.

This is what enables God to give me dignity and value in seasons of unrest, and perplexity. It is because my hope is in Him, and that my belief in Him is stemming from His love for me. This is why I am sick of the pressure related to this course that I'm doing! not sick of the work, the every day, the mundane, the purpose that is being worked out in me. no. But the illusion that if I perform I will succeed. Performance driven is awefully subjective, since what is performance to one person, may be a dream for another person. That means that when God says "come follow me" he intends to dash our hopes of performance, and offer us His heart. This means that it is right for me to reflect on the anxiety and what has caused me to be unstuck, so that I should hold onto Him.

I think personally this is done by reflecting on the past. it is to know the journey that I'm on - to be happy and accept what has happened. Upon reflection today, I realised that at the heart of it is Him, since without Him in this, without the joy that embraces my heart, without His beauty and glory being conveyed to me, without my constant desire to encounter Him, that would indeed come unstuck. I could not be where I am without Him.

Let me attempt to address the three things that I set out to address.

1) Financial Support

I have a history with financial support, as I have gloried in. I think in some ways the desire of the Jews, to bless God and give, that can be a motive to give of itself. It's because unlike the idols, God gives. He is the abundant giver. I have reflected that a person ought to give because of this. It should not be enough just to wait on God and expect provision. let me explain that. It is because in our mind we decide that such a thing is a resistance to faith. to believe for the increase, to put hope in the abundance of God. It is a touchy subject, because I know people that expect God to provide, and He does. All I'm saying is, you dont give credit enough. The purpose of God in financial giving is to bless and give. This ought to be the basis for our continual enjoyment of giving as is needed. The testimony is that you have the expectation of God's abundance to come and provide. That means that you already have one over someone that lives entirely by their own means. Entirely by their own merit. In that sense, "righteousness is rewarded" but we know that righteousness is by faith. If one man hears, let Him give, if he is not under compulsion, let Him bless. Righteousness that comes by faith doesn't seek to glory in the giver. it is in the glory of the one who gives. This is why God has blessed, will bless and forever more shall be blessed.

2) Forgiveness

I think we all need forgiveness. this is why He forgave. Our satisfaction of Him comes from the determination and power of Him to forgive sin and debt. Our dependence on Him is as one that has a continual debt. You will never out give God, nor can indeed can you. He is the one that provides, blesses, instructs and endows. He is the one made to sanctify, the one to justify, the one to glorify. He is One and One Lord (I just found out about that this week) In fact, if sin is a debt, then we are all debtors. Debtors not to sin. But debtors to grace. We are all under the same charge, and all under the same sentence. I will explain it like this: If you can never out give God, then you ought also to be the respondent in this relationship. if you will never out give God, then our freedom comes from his gift. I am learning about this God. I am learning about this one who "sets apart for Himself him who is godly, He will answer me when I call" not to have the same favor, indeed of His face, is to also be like the harlot that goes away without sin erased. I don't know much about sexual sin, but I understand that it is a debt that does not go away. You are sold under it, so that you will sin against your own body. It somehow has to do with generations. We are all descended from the same man, and we all are terrible. There is none good, and none that does righteously. Being able to say that you have freedom now, that is worth more than all the worlds riches, since it has all been accrued by evil gain and means. Indeed, that means that belonging to God is the root cause of all our ills.

3) Being Ministers of Reconciliation

Having made us ministers, we extend what He has given to us to others. In 2 Corinthians it says that this ministry is "to be reconciled" this means "to have been offered a pardon, so that one can enter into relationship with the one that offers" It is true that I don't think on this enough, especially every day, as far as my circumstance ought to say is most important. To be washed, to be encouraged, to be strengthened, to be wholly capable of finishing the task. I ought to say "this is my ministry" - own it as one that enters into the insistence that I will concede this is the most important thing, and that I will also do it. I do not know the lengths that my Abba will go to bring this to pass. I really don't. Upon reflection of sexual sin, I realised that God is with me in it. that is remarkable. How has he been here before? it teaches me that I have a God that is beyond intensity. that He is the definition of love.

I hope in all this I have communicated my heart, for at this time, I feel like the last thing that I want is to press on. But press on I must, if I am to be bound to Him. My heart is as one that is bound to Him, and His joy and glory to be realised. that is why the motivation to be bonded is indeed beauty.

Continue to gaze on beauty.