Struggles in Hospital

Hello everyone,

I will be moving into a flat on the 5th of November, this will be a big change for me, after being in Hospital for close to 3 months! I believe that it will be a big change that I am glad for, seeing I have made it my goal in life to bear as much fruit as possible - inside of me, in Himself and in you, this is a catchphrase for me at the moment, John 15:16

"You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and [that] your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you.

to bear fruit.

I want to share with you some of the struggles I am facing recently, that I believe God is working through.

Sometimes I find that I do not have much desire to spend time with Father, but then I remember it's like keeping up a relationship. I will enjoy the company time if I open up my heart to Him.

My greatest struggle is with hearing God's voice. When I came to hospital, they started asking me questions related to hearing God's voice. But I have a different struggle. It's like when I goto pray I do not hear from Him.

This has happened in kind because there is a kind of suffering related to being tempted and overcome, but I want you to know, I have not been overcome. But I find that God's ways are above mine, and so I wait patiently. Spiritual gifts in this way, seem to go unused, and I am perplexed by the reality, that is I want to hear from Him, but the desire is not there.

I remember that sometimes God remains silent for us, we do not want Him to. As far as I struggle, I also am encountered and challenged by my own thinking, and It has to come, because I am being changed a little at a time, to change my thinking habits. In this time, God's presence and His voice are what I rely on.

This is evident because when I come to talking to others, God confirms His word for me. I know His support in my situation. He is taking up all the things of my situation in His hands. As long as I am in this place, I will be at peace while my circumstance changes. God makes me feel like I can leap over all my perplexities in superior fashion! "He is the one who strengthens me", "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me", "I am more than a conqueror" through Him who loved us.

He is working out all things for good. I had feared that I had changed and lost the ability (Spiritual gifts), that I have changed and will not come back to where I was - knowing that the very thing I ask for will be accomplished. This puts me in a frame of mind that he only is the one who strengthens me.

It is like the verse in Isaiah 54, "lengthen the tent pegs" for the way in which He reassures me is by His Spirit. As long as I talk like this, I am overcoming, and that is enough, He is my peace and rest. The reason I can endure all the things I have is simple, it is because of God's righteousness - He gives me grace to do all things. A part of me thinks, "God will not take up these things that are pressing upon me" but He does, even when I do not come to Him. This makes me reminded of the fact that I want to come and visit Him, it is in my heart - that I love Him. God will work out all righteousness - He will be the strength of my life

As I write, I realize that God is the righteousness of my life, and my recovery has already started. This is what I wake up for in the morning.

 In talking like this, I make it obvious I am in hospital for God. In writing this letter I am stepping out of insecurity into freedom.

Something as simple as responding to an email can become all that is required of me. (Lara! and all the others who have responded to my email)

In fact, while in hospital it has been one of the things that I have been known for - since looking after me has been so delightful. I have a family that love me.

This is the delight of God, I delight in God's glory.

It makes me think of the future from here, in the bible it communicates it like this - Stepping into the fullness of maturity (Eph 3:18.19)

My God is my rock, he is the firm foundation, in entrusting myself to Him, it is out of my hands, and I've learned that this experience can happen to everyone - and this is my reason for seeking help - I am  as capable of making mess ups as anyone else.

I want to inform you so that you can pray for me better. Thank you for being a part of my life and loving me.