I wish I had some pictures...
The first thing to leave when you're going through adversity is your sense of constancy, and security, and it's easily wrapped up in lies of peace and safety, and the delusion that things will make sense, so you don't need to do anything. It then proceeds to eat away at the time that you are holding so precious, to the point where you are not sure what you should do anymore. All of this leads to a lack of confidence in self, and ultimately results in your time being used to find comfort and solitude. This is all the trap of the devil to bring you into grief and accusation, and that you should give up and quit.
How do I know this? it's because I recently came back from a trip to Tauranga, fully hoping that the Father would capture my heart, release to me every good grace, and enable me to follow Him whole-heartedly. This because He gave a clear answer to me in response to my dilemmas and plans for the future. He said "waste your life as a fragrant offering to me. Consider not the cost to you"
Can I even begin to consider what that means to me, the one that has gone through various trials at which I have come out with greater faith, courage and love for others, and see it turn around my fears, replace it with daring and courage, and give me boldness to be able to address the issues that were in my heart, the fears that gripped me, though I never thought about them. Does that sound like anyone to you? I hope that in all this you might receive some consolation, and my belief is that you will. God is not a man that He should lie.
You see, God is not a miss. People would try to say He's a miss, for allowing trials to happen, trials that buffet, and sowing dischord and doubt, trials that are from Him. I didn't have the words to say that could mean something to my friend, but it seems I have an answer now. I've never been good at coming up with things on the spot. I have had to think about it, and that is why, what He needs to hear, is that You are God's friend. You are His goto man, the one that He confides in, the one that He purposes to know, and to make it all joy in Himself. That is what you were created for, O man, that you might walk in the ways of the LORD, and be fully pleasing to Him. David was pleasing to God because He wanted to know the LORD.
There is a word used in the New Testament to describe this relationship, this relationship of loving trust, of intimacy, of abiding in Him, of faithful love, and of covenant and consecration unto God's purpose. It is the word "Abba" it uses this word to describe the Father, the one that knit you together, who knows all of your bones, who picks you up in your sadness, works out His purposes with gladness, that is sown together with you in the task of His heart, of relating to Him based on intimacy. For what other way could there be? Do I say this as if I have got all the answers and can balm all of your fevers? no, i'm just mentioning it, because it means so much to me right now. It's what I'm needing to communicate. This is because it's all found in Him.
More than anything, I'm wanting to communicate that I have found my Abba, and that I am His Son, and truly there is no more rewarding experience than that. That is why I hold his promises to be true, and can glimpse them, with the eye of faith, that enables me to know that He works everything for good, it is Himself that consoles me, and brings me up in His truth, that delights in me, and His delight of me is my delight. My delight is in Him.
I seem to be giving therapy to my conscience and psychology right now. These are like washing rivers over a barren wasteland (have you known what that is like?) it's like the promise of redemption springing up from the ground. It's like I can believe and trust and praise Him even when it hurts, and give back to Him and ascribe to Him the greatness that His glory brings. It's all in slowly and surely enabling my heart to breathe again, and to let my heart be vulnerable to pain and hurt, and love, like a washing balm is healing me with forgiveness, and reconciliation, and restoration. Who would have known that my heart would be capable of returning from such a cocktail of lies and treachery. That treachery shall not cling to me that have supped with the Savior and been partner in with His death. Even if that was what I was capable of, that is not my lot any more, I have heard His words spoken over me "I want to Know You" with such fire in His eyes as befits one that Has given all for love. The words of Abba being witnessed in the garden when the Son affirms His Father's love, and prays:
"Father, I desire, that they whom You have given to me, may be with me where I am, that they may behold my glory which you have given me, For you loved me before the foundation of the world"
If that is not life itself, if that is not true delight and the source of every pleasure and enjoyment in life, then my heart, receive that once more! Receive it once more! that I might turn my heart to Him again, and be filled again with His love.
You see it's quite simple. Having done everything, He has made the way open for me. He has given me an open door that shall never be shut. And it's also a temptation to claim that lesser things are more important than the consuming grace and glory that are at work in my heart, bearing witness to the testimony that has taken deep transaction in the uttermost parts of my soul, working out redemption. It's also a temptation to say "I was made for this ministry" or "I was made for this job" or "I was made for what I can do" my talents, skills and rights that I have, when in fact, it comes to us, it comes to us, and we are the recipients of it. We are the ones that this comes to, and we are the ones chosen for it - we are called to be such before God, and to live abounding in that grace that washes over us, calling us deeper, and making us gold.
Love of God,
Take my heart
Consume with flame and truth
Love of God
A holy heart
is what I want,
that I might be with You
Sometimes the grace of God is to go through trials. the grace of God is holding your head up when you are unable to go on, and to firmly fix in your mind, "He is coming for me!" Do I know all of this? Am I aware of the devil's schemes. Each of you, you know what your weakness is, and what it is that trips you up, what it is that causes you to stumble, and fill you with envy, or embarassment, or grief, or rage. "I am better than that!" you think. and it doesn't seem to go away. Just remember, "your closer to Him today than when you started" - You are more beautiful today than when He met you. He sees beauty in You. That is His only motivation. That you might draw near to Him whom your soul loves (I say that because you do, it really is real, even in the insincerity and other things you busy yourself with)
I started this article, "Blogging while it hurts" should I not rather have called it "the receiving of every good comfort and grace" He will come, and He will not delay.
There's still things that are on my heart, but it would not be the place to share them. But I've stepped out of the boat and am walking on the sea. If you want to talk about it, yes, if You are moved by what God's doing on my heart at the moment, and would like to hear more about my desire to use the internet to enable the gospel to reach every tribe, then read and respond. It's close to my heart, because what I have been doing recently is a degree in computer programming at CPIT. I have alot of reasons that I feel strongly about this and what God has raised up for me. I want to use my talents and skills in computer programming so that the internet could be a medium for promoting the love of Jesus.
Yes, and if you are drawn to make a fresh commitment to God, because of His love, and because of His grace during however many of trials, and wish to make a commitment to going deeper in God, and knowing that He has spoken over your life, and made promises to you, then I encourage you to go deep in Him and hear His words to you, "I am Your Abba" And I would pray that you have the strength to overcome every obstacle and temptation and find your heart longing for Him with a godly love that comes from His delightfulness, His belovedness, His beauty, and His gladness. These are all expressions of who He is wanting to be to you, and which you can enjoy on a daily basis.
If you are just interested to find out more about the love of Jesus, and why He died on the cross for every sin and shame, then also know that He wants to know You. He is consumed with the fervancy, zeal and jealousy of one that has given all for love.
I would say that it's good to have some courage and confidence, it never hurt anyone. I think in some ways I'm realising just what courage and confidence come from, which is identity in Him. All I need is the love of Jesus. But I will say that you can't authentically know God without knowing Him. I look forward to many more encounters with the grace of God in my weakness.
The photos were used by permission of Elizabeth Keller, Samantha Herod and Anna Seeley. Thanks so much for letting me use the photos!
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