I remember when I came into hospital, God really impressed upon me, that to make this not happen again, I ought to listen to what others are saying, because it is because I did not listen to others that these things have happened, even having times when I was convinced I should not speak at all, and having nervous laughing and unable to put sentences together. For this reason, I have often reminded myself of what is happening, so that I can make steady improvements.
One step has been to
be in regular contact with those that know me the best, and have concern for my
life. Thank you for being a part of my life, and this needed support for me. I
now know more people than I did when I started, including people that I have
met in hospital and who are doctors, students or nurses. I have been able to
have a speedy recovery thanks to the people that I have opened up to. It has
made my transition a lot more healthy, having trusted in others for my well
being.I have learnt that God also thinks the same way – a catchphrase I have often repeated! It is because I am doing this for God – I am in hospital for God. Now that I am out of hospital I am also aware of what needs to happen and what I find is important. He has shown me that obedience is the most important thing that I can treasure while in this life. He makes everything work out, and has done.
It’s for this reason that I want to share what has been happening in my life with you recently.
I was able to goto Oxford with James and Josh for the snowboarder's graduation. The thing that I appreciated most about it all was being there, that's right! I was there! and I think I appreciated it just for this reason.
I have been reading
the diary of David Brainerd. Out of all the books that I have sat down to read,
this one (atleast for the present) is exciting me the most. In it he speaks of
not finding God in the anguish of his own soul, finding the depravity of
himself, yet not believing it, which is the whole key that unlocks. In Romans
10:9-12 it says “faith comes by hearing the word, and hearing by the word of
God” so we know that Christ has given us faith to believe. It is unlocking
distresses in me, distresses in my circumstances. For I am anguished in my
circumstances, knowing that God has brought me to hospital chiefly for me to
work out this death. This death in disicipleship. This is the greatest news for
me, since I am and have constantly brought myself to wanting more and more of
God. I have been shown that I need not resist it, but receive this new news
with goodness and thankfulness. There is no good in me. What I mean is, as long
as I am being brought to die, Christ makes me alive. 
I am somehow warmed,
that my exercises in God, which I have been concerned with, such as bible
reading, and prayer, are being used of God, to the glory of God. I am not as
one who has forgotten where the road is going, but I am able to look at my
circumstances through eyes of faith, nothing is impossible to Him who believes,
and he makes all my circumstances to work out for good. Another way of saying
this is, God’s law is in my heart. I could not do what God has done, by the
covenant he established with me. What is true is this, God is working in my
heart the sweet succour of obedience to me (Psalm 19:10) how wonderful that His
word and work fit together. What he is doing in my bears true to the word that
He has spoken. He has fitted it all together to make me obedient to Him –
fully! When I disobeyed His law, I could not fulfil His law. But His light in
my heart, makes it possible for me to live in the reality of what the law was
demanding of me. This means no longer living in the expectation of doing
anything – while His word works, I am unable to do anything – Just like Jesus.
(John 5:19)
The reason that I want to share this with you, is to let you know the much needed wrestles of my heart concerning my mental illness. I want you to know that I am in a better place than I was a few months ago, in fact, God is my witness! This will work out perfectly to the glory of God.
Please pray for me:
That I would find the plan that God has for me
That I would be able to share from my heart to the people who I love the most
That I would be able to be a good witness sharing from my heart
That I would love obedience
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